Dear Jana,

I’m 49, divorced and have been seeing a 32-year-old guy for just over a year.

It started as a bit of fun, but he’s made me feel alive again after I spent years in a stale marriage. Over time, I’ve developed feelings for him.

He told me he wanted to go to culinary school and become a chef but didn’t have the money for tuition. I believed in him, so I agreed to lend him some money.

Nine months later, he still hasn’t enrolled, hasn’t bought any equipment, and every time I ask about it, he says he’s ‘sorting things out’. Meanwhile, he’s always broke, and I’m starting to wonder where my money’s actually gone.

I don’t think he’s a bad person, but I’m starting to feel like an ATM. It’s humiliating and I feel like such a fool. I’ve lent him close to $5,000 at this point, and I’m terrified I’ll never see it again.

How do I confront him without blowing up the relationship or – worse – sounding like his mother?

Bank Account.

Dear Bank Account,

There’s a simple term for this dilemma: You’ve been ‘d**kmatised’.

And you may scoff, but trust me, it’s a thing.

Yes, before you clutch your pearls, let me explain what it is. It’s that dangerous little spell a man can cast when the sex is so good that it temporarily shuts down the part of your brain responsible for common sense.

I’ve seen many a good woman fall under its hypnotising powers. It’s even happened to me.

Suddenly, we’re ignoring red flags and defending his ‘potential’ to our friends like he’s a misunderstood artist instead of a grown man who can’t manage his own life.

So the first step is recognising you’re suffering from this all-too-common condition.

Next up, the money. It’s gone. Bye-bye.

But what worries me more isn’t the $5,000 – it’s that you’re scared to bring it up in case it upsets him. Girl.

Read that back to yourself. You’re afraid to ask your boyfriend where your money went because you might ‘blow things up’. If this were a real partnership, you wouldn’t be walking on eggshells over a simple, extremely valid question.

Sadly, I think he saw you coming – by that I mean the fact you were fresh out of a marriage and looking for some fun. Fun turned into something more for you – it happens. That’s why I always question whether ‘casual’ is ever really just that.

Yes, he might make you laugh and maybe even give you the best orgasm of your life, but if you strip it back, the simple facts are: he took your money, didn’t spend it on what he said he would, and he’s still broke.

You don’t need Sherlock Holmes to solve this. You just need an exit plan.

So put on your big-girl pants, ask him where the money went, and don’t soften it. If he lies, dodges, or guilt-trips you, that’s your answer. Walk away.

You’re not a walking ATM. You’re a woman who forgot her worth for a minute – and now, hopefully, you’ve remembered it.

And, for the record, yes, he is a bad person. But deep down, you already knew that.

Dear Jana,

Last weekend I woke up at 3am to find my husband in the lounge, headphones on, watching virtual reality (VR) porn.

I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He swears it’s ‘just curiosity’ – that he wanted to see what the tech was like.

But now I can’t stop picturing him in that headset while I’m asleep down the hall. It feels so much more personal than regular porn because it’s interactive.

Am I overreacting, or has he basically had a virtual affair?

In Shock.

Dear In Shock,

I only found out what VR porn was earlier this week – and I was aghast.

I was at lunch with the owners of a sex toy company (God, I love my job!) when they told me there’s been a massive rise in men buying sex toys. When I asked what kind, they said, ‘The VR variety.’

For those readers who, like me, have no idea what that is, VR porn – short for virtual reality porn – is basically adult content viewed through a headset that makes the viewer feel like they’re inside the scene.

Instead of watching a video on a screen, you’re seeing everything in 360 degrees, as if you’re physically there.

You can look around, see people moving toward you, even feel like someone’s making eye contact or interacting directly with you.

It’s not quite a video game (you can’t ‘control’ people), but it’s far more immersive than traditional porn. The idea is to trick your brain into feeling like it’s happening to you, not just in front of you.

I know, tech’s getting wild.

So when your husband says he was ‘just curious about the tech’, he’s probably not lying – it is fascinating technology. But it’s also incredibly intimate, because the whole point is to simulate a real sexual experience by putting yourself in the scene.

Now, I wouldn’t say he’s having a virtual affair – more that he’s very up-to-date with the latest porn technology and using it to its full potential.

That said, it’s a slippery slope. As with any kind of porn, there’s a risk if it starts replacing real intimacy. My only concern would be if his curiosity begins to impact your relationship. How’s your sex life? Is he still showing up for you in the bedroom without his headset?

Bring it up with him. Tell him you don’t mind him being curious, but perhaps he could also channel that energy into you instead.

I wouldn’t panic just yet, but it’s worth keeping an eye on whether he’s escaping into fantasy a little too often. Curiosity is fine – disconnection isn’t.

Dear Jana,

My neighbour is married with two kids but has started texting me late at night. At first it was innocent ‘how’s your day’ stuff but now he’s sending shirtless selfies and telling me his wife ‘doesn’t understand him’.

I’m flattered but also uncomfortable, because my boyfriend works away during the week and I’m lonely.

I haven’t encouraged it, but I also haven’t shut it down. Part of me loves the attention.

Does that make me just as bad?

Tempted Next Door

Dear Tempted Next Door,

Oh lordy, you’re primed for the taking – and this man knows it.

Sometimes we forget that our bodies can give away little signs when we’re enjoying the attention – and men, especially the opportunistic kind, can sniff that out like the horny creatures they are.

A nervous giggle here, a lingering bit of eye contact there, is all the confirmation he needs to keep pushing the boundary a little further each time. Our bodies can be real traitors like that.

But being flattered doesn’t make you a bad person – it just makes you human.

And the thrill of being seen can be intoxicating, especially when life’s felt a little quiet or lonely lately. I get it, and anyone who says they don’t is a big, fat liar.

The danger, though, is that this man knows exactly what he’s doing. The ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ line has been used as a launchpad for affairs since the dawn of time.

It’s the oldest trick in the infidelity playbook, designed to make you feel special and like you’re the one person who truly gets him.

However, I don’t think this man is interested in forming a connection. I think he’s just chasing validation, and the moment you give him even an inch of attention, he’ll take it as permission to keep going.

You’re not as bad as him, but you’re definitely flirting with disaster. So my advice is to end it now.

You don’t need to make it dramatic or guilt-trip him. Just a simple text that says something like, ‘Hey, this has started to feel inappropriate, and I don’t want to cross any lines.’

You don’t owe him more than that. If he’s a decent person, he’ll back off. If not, block him and be done with it. Sure, it might be awkward because you’re neighbours, but it will send a mighty ‘full stop’ message.

And while you’re at it, take a moment to think about what’s really going on here.

Maybe it’s time to talk to your boyfriend about how the distance is affecting you, or to invest some of that energy into something that fills you up instead of pulling you into someone else’s mess.

You’re not a bad person. You’re just a woman who’s feeling a bit unseen right now. But don’t let someone else’s betrayal become your story too. You can still be flattered, but also choose to do the right thing.